July 1, 2025
A good obituary and a well‑planned memorial service do the same work from different angles: they tell the truth of a life and invite a community to remember together. You don’t need literary fireworks; you need accuracy, warmth, and clear logistics. This guide strips the process to essentials—what to include, what to leave out, and how to stage a service that feels like the person you’re honoring. We’ll keep the focus on U.S. practices and on details families consistently find useful.
Obituaries usually follow a simple structure: an opening sentence that announces the death; a biographical paragraph or two; a list of survivors and predeceased relatives; and practical information about services or memorial contributions. The first sentence can be as straightforward as “Jordan Lee, 84, of Denver, died peacefully on August 3, 2025, surrounded by family.” Biographical details matter more when they are specific: decades of work in public schools; a knack for fixing anything with a Phillips screwdriver; a garden that produced legendary tomatoes. Avoid résumé dumping; pick the moments that capture a person’s center of gravity.
List survivors by relationship and first and last names. If blended families are complex, keep it simple and kind: “Jordan is survived by partner Alex Kim; children Morgan (Avery) and Casey; and three grandchildren who brought daily joy.” Confirm spelling. Ask two people to proofread. For service information, include the date, time, venue address, and whether the gathering is public. If you prefer contributions “in lieu of flowers,” name the organization with its city or website so people can find it; write out the full name to avoid confusion with similarly named charities.
Avoid publishing details that invite identity theft or home break‑ins during the service—exact birthdates, full addresses, and long lists of valuables have no place in a public notice. If you’re posting to a funeral home’s site or a newspaper that allows guest messages, check settings so comments require moderation; most people are kind, but you don’t need to fight spam in a grief week.
A eulogy is not an encyclopedia. Aim for five to eight minutes—about 750 to 1,200 words—built around one strong story and a few short examples that show character. If humor fits the person, use it; if it doesn’t, don’t force it. Organize by theme (teacher, tinkerer, neighbor, parent) or by a simple arc (early life, work and family, what we’ll miss). Conclude with a sentence that invites others to carry something forward—an ethic, a hospitality, a craft, a song on a Sunday drive. Print two copies in large font. Hand one to the facilitator in case the speaker needs a rescue. If multiple speakers will share, set expectations that two or three minutes each is gold and five is the absolute ceiling. It isn’t a talent show; it’s an hour of memory that should leave people grateful and a little lighter.
A program helps guests follow along and keeps speakers honest about time. It usually lists the order (welcome, reading, eulogy, remembrances, closing), names readers and musicians, and includes a favorite photo and a short poem, prayer, or quotation if that fits the family. If a religious leader or celebrant is guiding the service, they may have a template you can personalize. If it’s a secular memorial, designate a facilitator—often a family friend with a steady voice—to open, introduce speakers, and close with clear directions to a reception if one follows.
Select a small number of photos that span eras—childhood, early adulthood, family and work highlights, recent joy. Avoid the temptation to include fifty images in a three‑minute slideshow; ten to fifteen, paced slowly with instrumental music, is plenty. Print two or three enlargements for the reception. If you create a memory table, prefer objects that invite stories: a worn toolbox, a favorite cookbook with stained pages, a trophy that meant something only to them. These become magnets for conversation and laughter.
Choose a space with straightforward parking and seating. If you expect frail guests, think about distance from curb to seat, the presence of handrails, and restrooms on the same level. If the gathering is large, consider overflow with a simple audio feed or a live stream for out‑of‑town family; funeral homes and many houses of worship can arrange this with little fuss. For a reception, keep food simple and generous. Assign two non‑family helpers to refresh trays and redirect traffic so immediate family can engage without carrying plates. If alcohol is served, ensure the venue allows it and that someone other than family handles practicalities.
If the family prefers donations, pick one or two organizations that reflect the person’s commitments. Include their full legal names so contributors land in the right place. If flowers are welcome, say so. If the family is allergic to plants and would prefer note cards with stories, say that. Clear asks reduce awkwardness and prevent waste.
Most funeral homes host an online obituary page where friends can leave messages and, sometimes, photos. Treat it as a guest book: moderate posts, collect the kindest notes for a memory binder, and save a PDF for the family archive. If social media will be used to notify distant friends, designate one person to make the announcement after the obituary is live. Avoid posting the time of a service at a private home. If a live stream link will be shared, publish it the morning of the service to minimize unwanted attention.
Within a week or two, send thank‑you notes to people who went out of their way—pallbearers, musicians, readers, organizers, and anyone who delivered meaningful help. If a burial took place without a grave marker installed, note the cemetery’s timelines; permanent markers often require several weeks or months. If donations were directed to a charity, ask the organization for a list of donors (amounts optional) so you can thank them. Momentum matters because grief dulls calendars; a simple date on your phone to check in on paperwork and markers in thirty days keeps the family from feeling perpetually “mid‑task.”
Obituaries and memorials intersect with legal work more than you might think. The obituary’s accuracy supports benefit claims and family records. The service date often becomes the anchor for travel reimbursements, time‑off explanations, and extended family logistics. If you are also the executor, keep receipts for obituary placements, programs, venue and musician fees; these are ordinary estate expenses. If a revocable living trust will pay the costs, the successor trustee should cut the checks. When the ceremonial and legal lanes respect each other, the week is calmer.
You don’t need to be a poet or a producer. You need to tell the truth with care, give people a place to gather, and get the directions right. That is enough—and it is everything.
One workbook for words, logistics, and checklists: Funeral Planning (Book) → /product/funeral-planning/
Handling the estate too? How to Probate an Estate (Book) → /product/how-to-probate-an-estate/ • Estate Planning Essentials (Book) → /product/estate-planning-essentials/
Martin was an early pioneer of online estate planning and founded one of the world’s first online estate planning businesses in 2000.
CEO, EstateBee
Martin was an early pioneer of online estate planning and founded one of the world’s first online estate planning businesses in 2000.
